Awake Alone Again

Saturday September 20,2014

So my story still so eagerly to unfold, with mounds of written ideas and thoughts from years of insomniac-tic behavior. 32 years old, feeling as if my mind is overloaded with urges from trigger words. The words spoke in conversation among people, either friends, or unknown spectators. These trigger words are some form of irritant bringing up anger, jealousy or completely making you smile and laugh. So for me an insomniac woman with a trigger word can cause serious brain overload.

So, unconcerned with proper grammar or punctuation. I will ramble but clearly for my whole purpose. Well and honestly I can’t”\’t find a speech to text app to download to .

So I can’t sleep again and it could be the over whelming notion that I am to much for my own brain to handle. I cant stop circling all my thoughts, dissecting each angle feeling each outcome. It’s torture on my brain. Growing up and slowly realizing my faults, made it easier to manage.

Sleeping was a heavenly dream as I aged. So blah,  Coping hasn’t always been easy.

I think, think, think until I am blue. I can’t possibly get all the information out to you or to anyone. I want so much to have a clone to be each one of me I know I can be.

I often ask people I meet “If you can have one thing to help you in life what would it be?

now keep in mind if anyone reading this has ever been in my presence….ummm……well I’v heard I’m to aggressive, rude, forcing people to step outside there comfort zone.

Maybe that’s why I am Alone and Awake. I can’t concentrate on any one topic. I have ideas every 3 seconds.


Do you have good Sleep Hygiene?

Habits for Better Sleep
 Do you have good Sleep Hygiene?
  • Keep a regular bedtime
  • Keep a regular time to get up in the morning
  • Spend no more than 8 hours in your bed
  • Set the alarm to get up at the same time every day, even on weekends
  • Do not look at the time at night or have chiming clocks
  • Keep window shades open to get morning outside light
  • Exercise at least 3 times a week
  • Make the bedroom the best place and the only place you sleep
    • No TV, music, radio, video games, telephone calls, and elctronical devises.
    • No arguing or working
    • As dark as you can make it with natural light for in the morning
    • Avoid bright lights when getting up at night
    • Keep it as quiet as you can make it
    • Avoid excessive fluids before bedtime
  • Do not stay in bed more than 20 minutes if you can not sleep
  • If you get up at night due to the inability to sleep, do something relaxing.
  • No napping through the day
  • Have 30 minutes or more to wind down before going to bed
  • Before winding down write down your worries and possible solutions and the next day’s plans
  • Avoid caffeine and alcohol within 6 hours of bedtime
  • Avoid exercise within 3 hours of bedtime
  • Learn relaxation techniques

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Writing Vault

I once asked myself….

Is it better to spend a long time with someone you care about or a short time with someone you love?  

-Jinx Shadylane- 2000

Some long time ago…….

We drove away anticipating much, but for me it’s the measure of your changing energy.

Each glare, each word,  every move steals my mind with a sense of true calm. The ability to allow another person to hike deep into your soul. I close my eyes tight and the sound of the lake moving calms me.

Waters splashing and the wind carrying the scent of a storm.-2012

The darkness builds an adrenaline rush and reminds me of moist skin. The light of the moon under the clouds holding the storm I smell. Genuine sincerity is branded by the bond that is forming on this journey.

-Jinx Shadylane-2013-

REMEMBER WHEN… rain drip

She grabbed his hand and dragged him into the early mornings rain. Their bodies drenched from the chilly drops falling steady from above. Morning air mixing with the scent of a May rain. Their lips together, with each breath filling her lungs, exhaling slowly on the skin of his neck. Eye to eye they touch. All her thoughts race to him. The rain rolling off their bodies dripping.  2000


“Most happy nights lead to happy mornings.”

Jinx Shadylane

The movement of my hands offers my soul. 
I dance within the glow of the stars.
I sing and I scream.
I taste the world as it turns around me
I laugh and I cry.
I live and I die.
I run and I hide.
But I can feel you.
I can feel the breath of my life on 
your skin. 
Krysta Ryan 2000images (6)


Summer 2000

I was in your house today. I sat there it was strange. I walked past your door and it was cracked open. Cluttered and messy like my mind.

I wanted to go in and lay on your floor and smell your clothes to remind me of you. I wanted to rest my head on your flat pillow that is still indented from where your head laid the night before. You will lay there again. Maybe I will be lucky enough to indent your pillow. I lay there my mind all into you yet his hand is on my leg. I wish it was your hand touching me. So I sit and I think to myself…..

To be with him or to try and be with you? I only talked to you one night. I only kissed you one time. I do not know your name yet you are swelling my head with emotions of confusion.sketch of a puzzle piece

So I sit on your bed,

You look at me,

And I think about last night,

Our Love, Our Souls, Our Bodies,

By candle light,

pizap.com14203714547681I sit there, on the end of your bed.

You stare at me.

Our eyes meet and I already know what you are thinking.


Dont talk to me that way. I am just a lonely girl sitting here hoping for love. But I’m not sure that’s what an insomniac needs. Love such a crazy word.

One word can create so much heartache or it can create such happiness. It stops people in their tracks. Powerful the word Love.


“I watched you last night. Watched you breathe and dream. You are such a beautiful creature.” 2001

Wide Open Eye



Insomnia Toxins

December 2014

Pressure persists in my mind. Filling all the areas of the quiet streams with rushing, circular whirlpools. Circling around and around, overflowing into each thought in my head. The new thought causing an intensely emotional and unpredictable feeling. The information is processing at rapid speeds keeping me up all night.

Now morning is here. I can’t concentrate on this thing called sleep. I can;t focus on anything. I am tired and sick from the thought of being tired. Stimuli I gather is entering my brain-mind interface. Triggers are causing the rollercoaster in my brain to speed and de-rail with each turn. A faint static sound is buzzing in my right ear. The pulsating nerves in my eyeballs dances with the noise.  Becoming more prominent. The busy morning rush hour has a distinct sound when my insomnia is in control. Tires make a sound of air echoing as they come to a quick stop at the corner outside my window.

Has my body become infected with toxins of worry?

Insomniac Woman Odd Relationship Fights


In all relationships couples fight. Experts in relationships point out typical reasons for fighting like money, sex and communication. So odd fights may happen more than I think but to fight about your partners sleep patterns is just pushing limits when arguments happen. The fight goes like this……

49 hours awake I finally crash out. It was like an earthquake when I was laying in bed.  The body tremors and the hallucinations of shadows in my eyesight at the point of collapse.  This sleep was needed and I knew that I had the time to devote to the slumber.

12:00 pm on Wednesday I fell asleep and randomly like always I awoke to eat cereal, smoke a cigarette and somehow manage to make purple cool-aid. So I assumed I got up at least 5 times. A normal thing an Insomniac does “Sleepwalking.”

Thursday I sleep. All day because I know that I have the time to do so. The harsh reality is I work on Friday at 8:55A.M and if I don’t stay asleep now I will wake up and stay up. The vicious cycle of an Insomniac.

9:00pm Thursday you come home and are angry because I am not awake. You want me to come into the room where the T.V. is on and spend time with you.  Your mumbling things like ” You never want to spend time with me. ” and at that point you start to attack my sleep.

“You stay up for 3 days then sleep for 18 hours and you won’t come watch T.V. with me?” He says as I’m laying in bed my mind racing. I hate it when people attack my sleeping or my lack of sleeping. As if I picked this sickness to have.  I am half asleep and now screaming with tears rolling down my face. Head pounding with frustration, but I was awake and that’s what you wanted. I pleaded with you to understand.

I said,” Now that I am awake, my mind will take hours sometimes days to shut off.  When I am asleep, I am not worrying about falling asleep.” It doesn’t matter you’ll be upset when I am awake because I can’t sleep. I will not win.

So I am awake and now you need to sleep. 2 hours after I have been up. As my insomnia repeats itself so will this fight about sleep.  So tomorrow when you wake for work I too will be getting ready for work. On Auto-pilot going through my everyday routine. Only you will look at me and say ” You haven’t slept yet?” in a tone of disapproval.

Only you will look at me and say ” You haven’t slept yet?” in a tone of disapproval.  The same tone as the night before when you said you aren’t going to wake up. Confused about how to please you with my sleep.

Confused about how to please you with my sleep problem. After all, it is my sleep your problem.

Puzzle Piece

Your ability to be yourself and your motivation is admirable.

You care not what people think but more of what their actions prove.

Overall you have a warm sense of reality, using experience as a guide.

Utilizing each talent to gain, not overly flamboyant but a man who craves power and control, harnesses weakness and manipulates its abilities for the better of those around you.




sleep 4

A thought from Wednesday 04/12/2001

The pain, the agony, I run and hide in the shadows of my lies. Untouched I am but heartbroken I feel. The torment of lonely cry’s I have in my heavy heart.

My mountain of lies fill my mouth and the truth seeps from the cracks between my teeth.

The damage so inside of me it shames my thoughts and actions. I am ungrateful to the humans in my world.  I am a fake perfection.

To be the paint that lives in art would freeze the explanation in place and create a memory of what I was.

To dream of you and then wake up with you there is the the most fantastic feeling.

Krysta Ryan




Can you find love on Valentine’s Day?


Who would have thought that I could have met my one true Valentine. I stumbled upon your love that cold Valentine weekend in 2014.

Now so tender and real I have ahead full of thoughts. Swarming my brain taunting my mind so vigorously that I can’t rest my eyes. I am cursed with this dreaded cycle. I see no end to the torture of an insomniac woman in lust. I lay here next to you a perfect piece to my puzzle. Fitting so perfectly snug to the place I lost many pieces before. I warned myself

 be careful with illusions of the heart.

Love to me was a dying word that had harsh effects in my world. I longed to feel a single beat from two hearts in need of each other. I craved the connection on levels that only dreamers describe in fairy tales. I often speak of love that seems so far out of reach even to the biggest lovers of them all can’t fathom its capability. I kept on dreaming big and worrying bigger until I found you.

I will be blunt for I know you are scared and love is no hero in your world, so please take my hand and I will guide you to true happiness.It may not be sudden but you will fall, and before the fall is the jump.

If I jump will you follow?

I am too quick to stop before I jump. I never check my safety ropes. I have fallen hard before, alone and managed to cope, but with a fresh heart and a open mind, the love of my life hit me blind.

I quickly learned in no time at all that I had given up on love too quick. I was always the giver and never the receiver. So I quietly admire you for you endless giving and your timeless love. As I learn to except the things I had forgotten about love and build on my dreams of zanidu lovers, I will stay. I will endure your love and learn to establish my new found meaning of love, friendship and puzzle piece connection.

The energy flow from our bodies and the fire we start with our lips comes as no surprise. That cold February morning was quickly warmed with just one kiss. My harsh reality was switched when I feel off my cloud and on to you. My frown suddenly a smile and my world seemed brighter. I am swinging freely now in your arms, carelessly wanting nothing more than to waste time with you.

So as we grow our vines and tangle our branches that I am certain we are bound for lasting memories. Follow my road dear lover for no hurdle is ever to large if we face it together and our new found love will have a fresh meaning.

I may be different but I am one of a kind